day of dan :: memoirs of an invisible dan

Hi, I’m Dan. Not long ago I had a thought during a long walk in the country.

Using a PC should be simpler, instead of spending my hard earned money on a flashy digital camera, why isn’t there a program where I can just paint it? So I told Microsoft and look at this!

Windows 7, with a Paint program! Now I don’t need a camera, I can just paint a picture! It’s far more personal and accurately depicts my day!

That evening, I had an even better idea. Using a PC should frustrate, confuse and annoy you. Why isn’t there a game that can be played by millions, makes zero fucking sense and can be won or lost by clicking frantically at a screen? So, I told Microsoft, and look at this!

Windows 7, with Minesweeper! Now can I confuse myself all day long! I told them what to do, and they did it. I could really get used to this.

I’m un-PC, and Windows 7 was my fucking idea.

dan Rants adverts, windows

This article is published a little later than I would have hoped, the interweb did a runner on us this weekend. Still, pleased to report it was a lovely weekend regardless.

So last week, I was very much looking forward to Question Time. Not often I can say that, but still, I was quite interested to see how Nick Griffin would appear when confronted by his peers and a decent cross-section of the british public. I’m sorry to say I was disappointed.

First off, I strongly believe the BBC were right to invite and let him appear on Question Time. Over a million people voted for the BNP and it’s in the name of both common sense and democracy to allow him a voice. The quote, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” is very apt here. I think we all hoped he’d use his voice to fall over everywhere.

The BBC failed on two accounts, firstly Question Time became all about the ratings and secondly, they failed to get a diverse audience. The brief must surely have been, “Invite as many people who hate him as possible, and let’s show him up as much as possible. No holds barred.” I think they achieved their aim, Question Time viewing figures quadrupled and he was effectively interrupted wherever possible. This however was not what we wanted.

I, and the majority of the public, wanted him to trip himself up. We wanted to hear his agenda, we wanted everyone to hear his agenda. I know we can’t trust the public to vote out John and Edward on X Factor, but I’m sure they can be trusted to spot a racist organisation trying to pass itself off as mainstream.

The show however, continued to be nothing more than an excuse to vent some anger at the self proclaimed, “Most hated man in Britain”. It certainly didn’t disappoint on that front. He was booed, abused and interrupted constantly in a show that seemed to focus entirely on him, missing the key points of immigration and more topical subjects like the postal strike. Fortunately, some bright audience member managed to get a question in on Jan Moir. Jan Moir and Nick Griffin in the same show? It’s like christmas come early.

This treatment of course caused Mr Griffin to complain about having to face a lynch mob and giving more publicity to a party that could have had the first nail in it’s coffin by now. It won’t cause BNP supporters to jump ship, far from it, it’ll cause them to rally around their portly leader.

On the plus side, he certainly won’t have gained any supporters. When he was allowed to speak, he came across as an ignorant, uninformed, homophobic, downtrodden man. His nervous laughter was the starter, his poor arguments the main course and his catty remarks the dessert. Striking out at Jack Straw’s family history will have done him no favours, his views on homosexuality are about 25 years out of date and his attempts at distancing himself from the KKK and Hitler will have fallen on deaf ears, though I will point out that even Hitler, the biggest bastard in history, could manage public speaking.

The stars of the show were, unpredictably, the two female panelists. Baroness Warsi managed to make the Conservatives look in touch with reality, and Bonnie Greer, the only non-politician, came across as articulate, sensible and extremely well informed. She’d done her research, and seriously put the others to shame.

Altogether, it was nothing more than entertainment when it could have been much more, but the evening was redeemed by a busy and funny time on Twitter. With an estimated 40,000 tweets with the hashtag #bbcqt (15 of which were mine) it was a far more active and diverse discussion than Question Time could ever have been.

Shame I can’t say the same about the BBC’s Have Your Say site where 90% of the posts began with “I’m not a racist, but…” – it’s like when I start a sentence with “I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but…” – well I do think you’re being unreasonable, I’m just being polite.

dan Politics, Rants daily fail, Politics, television, twitter

One of those stories that I kept overlooking all week, and finally got round to reading today was that of Stockholm’s alternative biofuel, wascally wabbits. To cut a long story short, there’s too many bunnies in Stockholm’s parks, so they cull a few thousand a year, freeze them, grind them down and mix with wood chips, peat etc… to create a nice and friendly renewable heat for thousands of homes.

I’m not against it, this is for once not a complete rant. Got me thinking though, could any of these be used?

1. The entire population of France. Surely this could firstly cut down the smell and secondly power most of the third world for pretty much eternity.
2. Michelle McManus could certainly power the Isle of Man.
3. Ferrets, and people who own them as pets.
4. Hippy activists, put your money where your mouth is and sacrifice yourself instead of a tree.
5. Any Big Brother contestant that didn’t win, and even then the issue of burning the winner is debatable. This would certainly help regain it’s lost appeal.
6. Jan Moir. Ha, I went topical. Charlie Brooker and Stephen Fry deserve the honour of preparing her for fuel.
7. All tobacco related products. As a smoker who wants to quit before 30, and bearing in mind this would take 2 years to be approved, I would welcome the idea. Plus, help create some extra revenue for the power plants by creating some kind of Smoker’s Mecca / theme park.
8. Beard hair from anyone that isn’t Santa Claus or a captain of a ship.
9. Any food product labelled as “Organic” – it’s not big, and it’s not clever.
10. The entire works of J.K. Rowling, once the last film has made it to DVD and everyone has lost interest.

None of these are too big an ask, maybe we should all think outside the box like our dear Swedish cousins.

dan Jibber Jabber bunny, celebritard, sweden, television

Sometimes I really dislike a portion of the British public, we’ll call them OATs (and I’ll get what that stands for later on).

What’s got the OATs up in arms today? Why of course, it’s anti-terrorism measures, for their safety.

This story from the BBC news website, and it’s comments are a fine example of why you could give an OAT a twenty pound note and they’d probably complain it wasn’t crisp.

The crux of the story is that Manchester Airport is trialling a brand new “naked” body scanner (that doesn’t mean you have to be naked, it just means the results make you look a little bare). Check out the article, does the guy look naked? You can barely make out the subject’s nuts, let alone anything more important. The most shocking part of that photo is that he’s a) clenching his arse and b) he appears to be grow taller/shorter when turning around, like a screw.

This is disgusting, a real invasion of our last privacies.

It’s neither is it. For a start there’s guidelines they will probably have to follow, much like pat-downs. It’s likely to be some poor female security guard looking at the ladies, and an even more unfortunate security bloke looking at the men.

If snooping into every other part of our lives is not enough now they have to snoop on our bodies too!

What the hell did you think pat-downs were for, a leisurely grope to relax you before a flight? These are measures to prevent your death. Much like what your doctor does. They won’t be stored, shared, available on Flickr, posted on a Facebook group or sadly, available for printout for a small fee, just like Alton Towers.

“I’m no. 315 – look! You can see my arse!” – £2.50, uploaded to Facebook, everyone’s a winner.

The point is this Mr and Mrs OAT, you don’t want to die on the way to your once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Magaluf, do you? Times change, terrorists become more extreme, security measures must follow. We can already see the outline of your enormous frame through your ill-fitting holiday clothes, some poor quality grey image is doing you no harm.

Old, Annoying Twats.

dan Rants airport, daily fail, facebook, porn

If this week has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t make a (bad) joke without suddenly becoming the biggest bastard since Hitler.

It seems we’re almost hitting Paedofinder General territory these days when it comes to naming and shaming celebrities for mistakes they make. Let’s hunt them down, destroy them and make it seem like we’re everyone’s saviour.

Can we please not turn everyone newspaper or news website into the Daily Fail?

Anton du Beke is no more a racist than Jade Goody was. Sure, there’s no denying he’s a twat, and Jade Goody was a poorly educated muppet, but they aren’t racists and shouldn’t be vilified for it.

I was fairly glad to see the lord of the dance, Bruce Forsyth, offer a sensible opinion of the events. Sadly though it’s a well known fact that anyone born before 1940 is slightly racist so i’m pretty sure his comments won’t be taken very seriously, much like most of their drivel.

Mr Anton has however, been outdone in the twat factor by musical cock Harry Connick Jr. who’s decided he’s the voice of all that is holy and righteous in the world today. His quote after the Australian TV “Blackface” incident:

“I just want to say, on behalf of my country, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that we take it really to heart.”

I’m fairly sure no one else gave a flying fuck until you decided you wanted some self-publicity. It was a multicultural group doing some fairly crap comedy. That’s it. You’ll get over it, no one else noticed.

Who needs the BNP when you’ve got unnecessary media outrage doing their work for them?

dan Politics, Rants celebritard, daily fail, television