day of dan :: memoirs of an invisible dan

If there’s one thing we can rely on christianity for, it’s preaching the right message to the wrong people. This is what happened to Father Tim Jones, who decided to tell his congregation that shoplifting is, “a better moral thing to do than robbery or prostitution.”

The logic is fine, we’d all rather someone shoplifted than robbed us. The problem is that his congregation, much like christianity in this country, isn’t representative anymore. Therein lies the cause of the discontent and bad press that followed.

You can’t mention anything the slightest bit controversial to the god-fearing without causing a chain of “strongly worded letters” anymore. These are the people that kept Points of View running for all those years. These are the people that make up half of the Daily Mail’s readership. These are the people that invented political correctness because they’re so scared of offending anyone they’d rather sit in their own home with the curtains drawn.

The message the poor Father is trying to put across here, is that the government doesn’t help the right people at the time they need it and that if they’re faced with the robbery of a private citizen or shoplifting, then choose shoplifting. This isn’t rocket science, I’m sure everyone would prefer that to happen. This isn’t saying he’s pro-shoplifting, this is stating the obvious. Both criminal acts, yes. Both on the same level, no.

I don’t agree with crime in any form, I’m also an atheist, a humanist and I don’t particularly like religion, but… if I had to choose whether you became a christian or a scientologist then I know which one I’d rather you be. They fall under the same umbrella (yes, yes, I know) but only one is noticably more harmful to yourself and others around you. Would you prefer your child smoked weed or took heroin? This is why we have different sentences for criminal acts. Steal a can of baked beans from a major supermarket chain to feed your kids might be against the law, but it’s not the same as raping the pope.

So, what happened to Father Jones? Aside from forgetting that as a man of the cloth he’s no longer allowed freedom of speech, well, he made the mistake of having logical and current views, forgetting that religion is still many years behind. In response to the sermon, the Archdeacon of York proved that very point with his statement, “I really don’t think that the church can in that sense condone or even support shoplifting because it will often lead somebody into deeper trouble.”

That old chestnut has been doing the rounds as long as, “It’s not the children, it’s the parent’s fault.”

It’s the person, not the act, that dictates their life. Some people with bizarre childhoods do turn out mental. Some with equally bizarre childhoods go on to lead rich and fulfilling lives. Everyone is in control of their own destiny, which brings us nicely onto my main gripe with those that insist there’s a God…

… but that’s for another time.

dan Politics, Rants daily fail, religion

So Tesco made a Xmas card saying “Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones.” and then someone complained. Of course she used the classic Daily Fail phrase, “Absolutely disgusted!” before making the astute observation that:

“If the card had been about an overweight child then the shop would have been shut down, and so would the people who made the card.”

I sincerely hope not, I’ve just begun my range of Xmas cards and gifts. I was hoping that vouchers for Shannon Matthews’ mother’s babysitting service and a baseball bat to chase your fat kids around with would go down really well. For the ginger kid in your family, we’ve got a fine range of hair dyes or a large set of glasses so you can pretend he’s a little Chris Evans.

Alas, it’s been a well known fact that Santa hates ginger children, fat children, and children with large birthmarks. This isn’t new. Tesco did well at trying to hide this fact and make him more appealing but someone went and ruined it.

Not that Santa minds, in his own words, “I fucking hate children, I’m only doing this for the mince pies and the worn french knickers I steal from your mother’s washing basket, they sell really well on eBay.”

Santa hates gingers. Fact.

dan Jibber Jabber, Rants daily fail, fat kids, gingers, santa

Hi, I’m Dan. Not long ago I had a thought during a long walk in the country.

Using a PC should be simpler, instead of spending my hard earned money on a flashy digital camera, why isn’t there a program where I can just paint it? So I told Microsoft and look at this!

Windows 7, with a Paint program! Now I don’t need a camera, I can just paint a picture! It’s far more personal and accurately depicts my day!

That evening, I had an even better idea. Using a PC should frustrate, confuse and annoy you. Why isn’t there a game that can be played by millions, makes zero fucking sense and can be won or lost by clicking frantically at a screen? So, I told Microsoft, and look at this!

Windows 7, with Minesweeper! Now can I confuse myself all day long! I told them what to do, and they did it. I could really get used to this.

I’m un-PC, and Windows 7 was my fucking idea.

dan Rants adverts, windows

This article is published a little later than I would have hoped, the interweb did a runner on us this weekend. Still, pleased to report it was a lovely weekend regardless.

So last week, I was very much looking forward to Question Time. Not often I can say that, but still, I was quite interested to see how Nick Griffin would appear when confronted by his peers and a decent cross-section of the british public. I’m sorry to say I was disappointed.

First off, I strongly believe the BBC were right to invite and let him appear on Question Time. Over a million people voted for the BNP and it’s in the name of both common sense and democracy to allow him a voice. The quote, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” is very apt here. I think we all hoped he’d use his voice to fall over everywhere.

The BBC failed on two accounts, firstly Question Time became all about the ratings and secondly, they failed to get a diverse audience. The brief must surely have been, “Invite as many people who hate him as possible, and let’s show him up as much as possible. No holds barred.” I think they achieved their aim, Question Time viewing figures quadrupled and he was effectively interrupted wherever possible. This however was not what we wanted.

I, and the majority of the public, wanted him to trip himself up. We wanted to hear his agenda, we wanted everyone to hear his agenda. I know we can’t trust the public to vote out John and Edward on X Factor, but I’m sure they can be trusted to spot a racist organisation trying to pass itself off as mainstream.

The show however, continued to be nothing more than an excuse to vent some anger at the self proclaimed, “Most hated man in Britain”. It certainly didn’t disappoint on that front. He was booed, abused and interrupted constantly in a show that seemed to focus entirely on him, missing the key points of immigration and more topical subjects like the postal strike. Fortunately, some bright audience member managed to get a question in on Jan Moir. Jan Moir and Nick Griffin in the same show? It’s like christmas come early.

This treatment of course caused Mr Griffin to complain about having to face a lynch mob and giving more publicity to a party that could have had the first nail in it’s coffin by now. It won’t cause BNP supporters to jump ship, far from it, it’ll cause them to rally around their portly leader.

On the plus side, he certainly won’t have gained any supporters. When he was allowed to speak, he came across as an ignorant, uninformed, homophobic, downtrodden man. His nervous laughter was the starter, his poor arguments the main course and his catty remarks the dessert. Striking out at Jack Straw’s family history will have done him no favours, his views on homosexuality are about 25 years out of date and his attempts at distancing himself from the KKK and Hitler will have fallen on deaf ears, though I will point out that even Hitler, the biggest bastard in history, could manage public speaking.

The stars of the show were, unpredictably, the two female panelists. Baroness Warsi managed to make the Conservatives look in touch with reality, and Bonnie Greer, the only non-politician, came across as articulate, sensible and extremely well informed. She’d done her research, and seriously put the others to shame.

Altogether, it was nothing more than entertainment when it could have been much more, but the evening was redeemed by a busy and funny time on Twitter. With an estimated 40,000 tweets with the hashtag #bbcqt (15 of which were mine) it was a far more active and diverse discussion than Question Time could ever have been.

Shame I can’t say the same about the BBC’s Have Your Say site where 90% of the posts began with “I’m not a racist, but…” – it’s like when I start a sentence with “I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but…” – well I do think you’re being unreasonable, I’m just being polite.

dan Politics, Rants daily fail, Politics, television, twitter

Sometimes I really dislike a portion of the British public, we’ll call them OATs (and I’ll get what that stands for later on).

What’s got the OATs up in arms today? Why of course, it’s anti-terrorism measures, for their safety.

This story from the BBC news website, and it’s comments are a fine example of why you could give an OAT a twenty pound note and they’d probably complain it wasn’t crisp.

The crux of the story is that Manchester Airport is trialling a brand new “naked” body scanner (that doesn’t mean you have to be naked, it just means the results make you look a little bare). Check out the article, does the guy look naked? You can barely make out the subject’s nuts, let alone anything more important. The most shocking part of that photo is that he’s a) clenching his arse and b) he appears to be grow taller/shorter when turning around, like a screw.

This is disgusting, a real invasion of our last privacies.

It’s neither is it. For a start there’s guidelines they will probably have to follow, much like pat-downs. It’s likely to be some poor female security guard looking at the ladies, and an even more unfortunate security bloke looking at the men.

If snooping into every other part of our lives is not enough now they have to snoop on our bodies too!

What the hell did you think pat-downs were for, a leisurely grope to relax you before a flight? These are measures to prevent your death. Much like what your doctor does. They won’t be stored, shared, available on Flickr, posted on a Facebook group or sadly, available for printout for a small fee, just like Alton Towers.

“I’m no. 315 – look! You can see my arse!” – £2.50, uploaded to Facebook, everyone’s a winner.

The point is this Mr and Mrs OAT, you don’t want to die on the way to your once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Magaluf, do you? Times change, terrorists become more extreme, security measures must follow. We can already see the outline of your enormous frame through your ill-fitting holiday clothes, some poor quality grey image is doing you no harm.

Old, Annoying Twats.

dan Rants airport, daily fail, facebook, porn

If this week has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t make a (bad) joke without suddenly becoming the biggest bastard since Hitler.

It seems we’re almost hitting Paedofinder General territory these days when it comes to naming and shaming celebrities for mistakes they make. Let’s hunt them down, destroy them and make it seem like we’re everyone’s saviour.

Can we please not turn everyone newspaper or news website into the Daily Fail?

Anton du Beke is no more a racist than Jade Goody was. Sure, there’s no denying he’s a twat, and Jade Goody was a poorly educated muppet, but they aren’t racists and shouldn’t be vilified for it.

I was fairly glad to see the lord of the dance, Bruce Forsyth, offer a sensible opinion of the events. Sadly though it’s a well known fact that anyone born before 1940 is slightly racist so i’m pretty sure his comments won’t be taken very seriously, much like most of their drivel.

Mr Anton has however, been outdone in the twat factor by musical cock Harry Connick Jr. who’s decided he’s the voice of all that is holy and righteous in the world today. His quote after the Australian TV “Blackface” incident:

“I just want to say, on behalf of my country, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that we take it really to heart.”

I’m fairly sure no one else gave a flying fuck until you decided you wanted some self-publicity. It was a multicultural group doing some fairly crap comedy. That’s it. You’ll get over it, no one else noticed.

Who needs the BNP when you’ve got unnecessary media outrage doing their work for them?

dan Politics, Rants celebritard, daily fail, television

I’ll try and not sound too common here, but what is the great fascination with raw fish, crafted to look like Bassett’s Liquorice Allsorts?

I appreciate it’s origin, I appreciate that it’s probably very tasty. What I don’t appreciate is how the west seem to think that it’s incredibly trendy to eat the world’s campest looking food, and then feel the need to mention it frequently, as if it automatically makes you the coolest person in history.

Frankly, if it’s not covered in batter and deep fried, or in a handy breadcrumb covered finger format, I have little interest in fish. As far as i’m concerned, we eat to avoid a bad case of death. The plate of food in front of me is not a fashion accessory unless I choose to stick bits of it to my hat.

So, with apologies to the Japanese, I’m lumping Sushi in the same bracket as Frog’s Legs, Snails and Hummus. Sadly, largely eaten by the arrogant.

So, I say to them… congratulations on your huge house, lovely car, hundreds of pairs of the finest shoes, important job and your enormous penis. May we forever be in your shadow and in hope that one day we may be just like you.

Once again, congratulations on the massive penis.

dan Jibber Jabber, Rants life, sushi

Right, so there I was minding my own business when I thought “I know, I’ll go and have a look at NHS Direct’s lovely new Swine Flu symptom checker. So off I toddle onto the first screen…

So, being an honest chap and having a bit of a sniffle, I selected “Yes”. Of course I always have fatigue so that’s just a given. On to the next screen…

Okay, so now it’s getting a bit daft. A quick glance at my fingernails reveals they’re still the same colour they’ve always been and nothing else is applicable. I select “No”, and move on…

Well, it’s Friday afternoon at 4pm. It’s been a long day so yes, I am unusually drowsy and extremely confused. I want to go home and fall on the sofa for a bit. Without hesitation, I select “Yes” and to my horror…

Now what the bloody hell kind of scaremongering do you call that? It might as well have just said “Don’t bother calling 999, you’re going to die. Please don’t make a mess.”

Anyway, joke aside flu-fans, don’t call 999 if you’ve got Swine Flu, call your GP, the dedicated flu line or indeed NHS Direct themselves.

So there we have it, I thought I was just a bit tired after a long week at work but apparently that’s not the case. I’ve caught the Pig Flu and I’m going to die a sniffly death.

RED MEANS DEAD, PEOPLE.

dan Rants swine flu, web site

You know what really grinds my gears? Those that seem to lump Facebook and Twitter in the same bracket. Yes, they’re both forms of social networking. Yes, they’re both pushing boundaries in the way we communicate and share information. What they aren’t, is the same bag of kittens.

First off, I’ll admit that I’m not Facebook’s biggest fan. It used to be the clean and simple alternative to MySpace, social networking for those that dribble. Then it made itself more open, then a bit more, and now one zillion applications later it’s no longer the sweet little monkey it once was. It might have more technology behind it, but it’s like buying a Pagani Zonda to run the kids to school and back.

So no, I don’t want to be a bloody pirate, I don’t want to start a Mob War, and I don’t want to play Scrabble. Well, not often. Not so much social networking anymore, it’s just one site to sit at and waste time.  But, I digress.

The fact is, Facebook is what it is, it’s a site to sit on and waste a bit of time. Play some games, chat to someone you never really liked at school but happened to turn out incredibly attractive, the list goes on and you can pretty much do it on Facebook.

Twitter however, is highly portable social networking. It’s the equivalent of Facebook statuses, without the guff surrounding it. If you just want to tell the world about the lack of Frijj milkshakes at the petrol station, then you can, without being told how Joe Bloggs, the person you added out of pity just scored 100,000,000 on Super Mega Mega Blocks.

What they do share in common is the likelihood they’ll both be replaced by the next big thing, whenever that should be. They’re also both not MySpace and that’s got to be a good thing. I also use both, I just find one more irritating than the other.

I like Twitter, so I am biased. This is my blog, so I also don’t care. For the “too long, didn’t read” brigade, my point is simple. They’re not, and never will be the same thing. Saying, “Oh, I hate Twitter because it doesn’t do what Facebook does!” is no different from saying, “Oh, I really hate Ham because it doesn’t melt like Cheese!”

If you’re reading this when it’s published on Facebook (and god damn I hate that it makes it so hard to see it came from this blog) then hello.

Tweet me @danfiveoh.

dan Jibber Jabber, Rants facebook, twitter, web site

So me and my housemate decided to watch the last five minutes of the Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend thing that has been gracing our screens for the last few weeks.

It was agreed the last five minutes was all we would be able to handle, so we sucked it up, switched it on and prepared ourselves. We weren’t quite expecting what we saw.

Yes, the outcome was pretty obvious, that gay bloke won. What worried us was the incident with Tinkerbell. Having your dog brought out in a Louis Vuitton handbag and asked to provide an opinion on the three (un)lucky finalists is quite odd, but finishing the segment with the line, “Thanks Tinks, I really value your opinion” in a perfectly serious manner, makes me believe she’s too far gone for help and should really be put down. With or without the dog.

The conundrum is this, is Paris Hilton possibly the most pure example of a celebritard the world has ever seen, or is this all an act, making her an absolute media-genius?

That’s hot, I love it.

dan Jibber Jabber, Rants celebritard, paris hilton, television